For many painful reasons, 2012 has been the toughest year of my life. By quite a long way. While, by God’s grace, my faith has remained in tact, there were moments earlier in the year when I literally thought I was done with gospel ministry. I was exhausted both emotionally and spiritually. Battle weary. Some days I would find myself crying for no reason. Other days I would just feel REALLY angry. Others just numb. Not only did I seriously doubt my calling as a pastor, I also questioned my ability to be a good husband, father and friend. In His kindness to me God has given me a wonderful wife who knows how to give me grace in the right ways and at the times. Similarly, the men who I lead Hill City with have been incredibly supportive and encouraging. I also have good friends who have come alongside, spoken into my life and been more of a blessing to me than they’ll ever know.
However, as 2012 draws to a close, I find myself in a very different place. I am hope-filled. Expectant. Joyful. Why? Not because everything’s sorted now, but because as I was brought to my knees and made to confront my own weakness and my fragility, I was in the perfect position to receive the grace that I so desperately needed. “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6).
Below is a video of a poem that I wrote during my darkest hour back in the summer. I recorded it in the Autumn, but even then wasn’t sure whether or not I should post it up online or not. Ultimately I decided that I would post it up and the end of the year as I think it does offer hope. At least I hope it does. Maybe as the year comes to an end you too feel exhausted, frustrated and battle weary. If so, can I encourage you to let the God of grace be your all sufficiency.